Inauthenticity, Burnout, & Navigating Expectations with Consuelo Crosby
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Summary
In today’s episode, we’re talking to Consuelo Crosby, a first-generation Latina, who shares her journey of navigating cultural expectations and finding her authentic voice. She discusses the challenges of being an immigrant and the pressure placed on women in her community. Consuelo talks about her career as a structural engineer and the struggle to balance societal expectations with her own dreams.
For full show notes, head to coachellyn.com/podcast, and, of course, follow me on Instagram OR check out my YouTube Channel for more!
Keywords
first-generation, Latina, immigrant, cultural expectations, authenticity, structural engineer, societal pressure, burnout, podcast, boundaries, relationships, family, cultural expectations, first-generation daughters, generational differences, authenticity, joy, burnout, self-care
Some Takeaways
Navigating cultural expectations can be challenging, especially for first-generation individuals.
Societal pressure often places higher expectations on women, leading to a path that may not align with their authentic selves.
Embracing authenticity is crucial for personal and professional fulfillment.
Inauthenticity can contribute to burnout and dissatisfaction in life.
Finding and nurturing one's true self is a journey that requires self-reflection and the courage to make choices that align with personal values and desires. Setting boundaries with loved ones is important for maintaining healthy relationships
Cultural expectations can make it challenging to set boundaries, especially for first-generation daughters
Knowing oneself and finding joy are key to making decisions that align with one's authentic self
Burnout can be prevented by prioritizing self-care and listening to one's intuition
Sound Bites
"The burden is on the women. The guys can do whatever they want. And guys get a free pass, but the women had high expectations put on them from a very young age."
"Finding, discovering, encuentras your voice is all about finding that voice, becoming who you are, and we're listening. We will amplify it."
"Inauthenticity can burn you out more than anything else."
"I had to set a boundary with her because she kept making comments about my weight and how I was putting on too much weight and I was getting fat and blah, blah, blah, blah."
"Boundaries are really difficult again. It goes back to first-gen daughters if you're the old daughter and you're the only daughter like I am that full burden and expectation is still placed on you."
"What do I want to remember of myself in that situation? And I do have a high adrenaline rush. It is like rocket fuel. I was a single mom for 22 years raising two children."
About Consuelo Crosby
Consuelo Crosby thrives as a 1st generation Peruvian, solo female who disregarded the patriarchy and forged into structural engineering… in stilettos, but really wanted to be a record album cover artist. But, you know Latina madres, “No! A doctor, lawyer or engineer!”
27 personalities rolled into one that bring insight, enthusiasm, humor and fearlessness to encourage Latinas to live their cultura out loud and on their terms.
Website | www.lifelnxx.com IG | @encuestrasyourvoice
Podcast | Encuentras Your Voice LinkedIn | Click Here LinkTree | Click Here
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TRANSCRIPT:
Ellyn Schinke (00:01.978)
Welcome to the Burnout Proof Podcast. How are you?
consuelo (00:04.734)
Oh, I'm doing so well. Thank you for having me, Ellen. I'm so honored to be here with you.
Ellyn Schinke (00:08.506)
Absolutely. Absolutely. It's always fun too to have somebody in the same time zone. It makes scheduling infinitely easier. So yay, Pacific time people as well. I'm super excited to hear your story and to get into some of the things that you and I chatted about talking through. Like we said, we could probably end up talking about like 80 bajillion different topics, but let's just kind of start with who you are, what you do, and how you got to this point.
consuelo (00:16.83)
you
consuelo (00:28.574)
You
consuelo (00:35.582)
Absolutely. So I am a first gen Latina. My mother's from Peru and we were raised in, I was born and raised in San Francisco. So it came in with a lot of different struggles and burdens that we'll get into. It's a little, it was difficult being not quite from here and already having the name Consuelo, you know, something's up behind the story. So.
The immigrant story is a big one. It led me to be a structural engineer for most of my lifetime when I really wanted to design record album covers in New York City. So, yes, very different. And a 17 -year -old me wanted to do that, but also knew that if I chose to, I probably would have ended up in a convent in the Swiss Alps. So...
Ellyn Schinke (01:16.794)
Very different.
consuelo (01:28.67)
But it had a great life. I had a great life with I was very blessed to do amazing projects like Larry Ellison's Oracle flagship headquarters in Redwood City and and high rise in downtown L .A. at Seventh and Fig. If anybody's there, shout out. Yeah. So it's been a great life. But now I am founder of Encuentra's Your Voice podcast, which we've already rebranded from Lifelinks.
podcast because it just couldn't hold it in anymore. Just had to get my story out there. And once I got my story out there, then the thunder roar of all the other first gen Latinas came in. It was great.
Ellyn Schinke (02:12.826)
say though, and it's really cool structural engineer style that you can like literally tie a like an address to work that you've done. Like that I did that it's right there. But yeah, I can totally see I even with the rebrand that you're talking about how it really is about stepping in to your yourself and embracing yourself. I assume that's kind of what inquentress means. I took Spanish back in the day, but I'm rusty. I'm really good at ordering food. That's about it.
consuelo (02:22.046)
Yes.
consuelo (02:38.558)
Oh.
Ellyn Schinke (02:41.53)
So is that kind of the intention behind that? It's just like stepping more into yourself.
consuelo (02:46.366)
Yes. So before the LifeLink was meant to really encourage first -gen students, don't forget to bring your culture forward. We have so much known, so much ancestral knowledge, so much lifestyle that we really need to carry forward and not leave behind once we're here. But when we started talking more and more to people, we realized that there is this commonality we have where, yes, you have to become something that your parents really hoped you would.
And the burden is on the women. The guys can do whatever they want. And guys get a free pass, but the women had high expectations put on them from a very young age. And so it puts you on this path that isn't very true to you for a lot of the time, but which could lead to burnout. Why we're here today. And the difference being that once everyone found their authentic self,
Ellyn Schinke (03:38.01)
Yeah. Yeah.
consuelo (03:47.678)
and really stood within their authentic voice, that's when they really started thriving. And not just by career, but in life and in happiness and things going your way, you know, that universal flow. It was all about the authenticity. So finding, discovering, encuentras your voice is all about find that voice, become who you are, and we're listening. We will amplify it, yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (04:12.698)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Yeah, talk a little bit more about the expectations, like the expectations that come with being a woman in, you know, like a first -gen immigrant family or just what those expectations were. Because obviously, I can assume what those expectations were. I can probably find ways in which I experience similar expectations, but I don't know it through your lens. So can you talk a little bit about what those expectations were for you and how they colored not just your career path, but maybe even...
consuelo (04:42.078)
Thank you.
Ellyn Schinke (04:42.522)
you know, some of the other decisions that you made as a young adult.
consuelo (04:46.846)
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, the timing's really great for our recording. I really appreciate it because I was just at the Stripe Sessions Conference this week in San Francisco and Jensen Wong, Nvidia CEO, was keynote and he was telling his immigrant story. And from that, we had a happy hour that was for advocates and allies of women there at Stripe and found in a whole other group of young first -gens, multiple cultures, but
It really resonates very similarly. But again, the burden on on the young girls for myself at a very young age, I was like four or five. My mom would come tuck me in and she would pull up on my nose like this for four to the point where it hurt. And I'm like, what are you doing? Stop it. And she would say, well, they like upright noses.
And I was at four or five, you're like, who's they and what's an upright nose and what's wrong with mine? And you're hurting it. But, you know, flash forward 30 years and you realize she was talking about society here and and there's expectations of what you should look like. There's expectations of how you should act. And she learned the hard way through my older brothers that it wasn't a welcoming society in that generation.
and wanting us to just assimilate. But that causes a lot of divide, even for parents who don't expect their children to assimilate. Because culturally, you're not really from your culture, your parents were. And so you go back to those countries, the homeland, the ancestral lands, and they're like, oh yeah, but you're American. But here in America,
They're like, well, you're not quite American because look, you're eating. What is that? You're eating sheep stomach. And, you know, like everything that's culturally ours that we love and we passionate about, we have pride about is is looked at. Oh, you're different. So, you know, we say, you know, neaki neaya, neither here, neither there. You're in this this purgatory, this unknown. And this so you that's where the struggle really originates with.
Ellyn Schinke (06:55.61)
Yeah, other.
Ellyn Schinke (07:05.37)
Thank you.
consuelo (07:11.038)
Who are you? You really go through an identity issue of like, who are you in one world? When you step outside the house, you're somebody when you're inside the house, you're someone completely different. And so that's where the struggle of decisions like. Like, for instance, when I wanted to become a record album artist and instead had to become an engineer. I'm like, why do you want me to be an engineer when it's an all male?
industry. I was the only woman in my university class, one of two that graduated that year. And I was the first woman hired at a firm of 40 men in San Francisco. It was an all male industry. And yet I wasn't allowed to date. I was never allowed to be with a boy one on one. I was never allowed to be out after a certain hour. And this is until I went to college.
Ellyn Schinke (08:09.658)
was literally about to say how long did that last.
consuelo (08:10.174)
Yeah. So, you know, you're sitting there like, why would you want me to go into an all male profession then? And it was with it was still with, yeah, at 22 years old, it was still with the finger of, well, you're not allowed to go out with the men afterwards. Don't pour alcohol for them.
Ellyn Schinke (08:19.226)
I can't even think of it that way.
consuelo (08:30.782)
and you know, don't don't flirt because they're going to take it differently. And so it's like, I'm surrounded by 40 men and you just want me to put my head down. It was very it's very, very hard upbringing.
Ellyn Schinke (08:43.674)
I feel like too, in some ways, that was almost like an extension of the experience you talked about being an immigrant to the United States of like, I don't belong here, I don't belong there, but it was almost the same thing in your professional experience as well. I don't really belong with this group of people either because I have to keep you at arm's length because I'm not allowed to, you know.
become too friendly with you. That had to be tough, because I can see how that would be almost an extension of you're trying to establish yourself, but it's the same thing, just wearing a different costume.
consuelo (09:15.518)
Yeah, that's a great way of putting it.
consuelo (09:26.718)
Yeah, that's a great way of putting it and what it feeds into and she didn't understand this. How could she? You know, she doesn't know the nuances, even though she did brilliantly here. She had her own corporation here. Is that it reinforces? Yeah, well, she was a matriarch queen. She was queen. But what it does is it reinforces that lesser than that you are lesser than men because you have to behave differently.
Ellyn Schinke (09:40.698)
Shout out to mom.
consuelo (09:56.414)
and you have to operate differently. And yet, and yet the full burden of the family is placed on you. Like many of us had to work in our parents' businesses. A lot of Latinas from different family situations had to work to help provide for the family. You know, we're paying for their way in college, taking on three jobs. You know, we're translating for their parents, translating
taxes, bank statements, how to enroll in school. Some of these are the voices on our podcast. And so you may be in the same room with any one of us, but the experiences of getting there are so different, are so different. And the fight and the struggle is not because we can't do it or we don't have the resources to do it, it's that we're doing.
so many other things, including sustaining the family or helping the parents. It's a heavy load, yeah. Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (11:03.738)
That sounds heavy. Wow. How did all of this play into, you know, you talked about authenticity before, and I'm glad you brought that up because I've said it before and I will say it again, and I probably should say it more than I do, inauthenticity can burn you out more than anything else. And I think that's where I can kind of see some myself mirrored in your story is I followed a path for the validation and because it fit with.
consuelo (11:12.382)
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (11:33.402)
my parents, particularly my dad's desires for me. I'm a daddy's girl through and through. And for me, it was, I didn't realize until it felt like I, you know, I had gone so far down that road that it was like sunk cost at that point in time that I was following it for the wrong reasons. And it wasn't as fulfilling to do anymore. And it felt inauthentic. So how did all of this, you know, the,
the paths that you had to walk, the otherness that you felt, how did that start to impact you from an authenticity perspective?
consuelo (12:13.214)
Well, luckily I was born with that. I just really, I remember at a very young age, 10 years old specifically, looking around my family and going to my mom, like I'm adopted, right? I really, I don't fit in here and it's okay. I'm happy with that. I'm glad to know this is not my DNA to this day. But I think I always had this,
very stubborn, like, no, this is what I want to do. This is what I want to do. And I would do it anyway. It just became a way of like we all do weighing consequences. Is it really worth it? Is this really who I am? Is this it was almost a very fine tune methodology. Is it worth doing it? If this is the consequences, I call it the bookends. What's the best case scenario? What's the worst case scenario? And sometimes you would take the hit. Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (12:53.978)
Uh huh.
consuelo (13:11.39)
It was okay if it kept you in your authentic mode because you're right. It is not sustainable to try and be someone you're not. So I always did to the point of I didn't like corporate. I never did the burnout and corporate route because I started and we take two years under your job under a licensed engineer when you can apply and get your own license. And once you get your own license, then you can.
Ellyn Schinke (13:15.514)
Okay.
consuelo (13:40.766)
work independently. What? After those...
Ellyn Schinke (13:42.842)
Okay, this is a very dumb, perhaps unrelated question, but like, licensing. I never thought of an engineer having to get licensed. Is that just for structural engineers or is that like all engineers?
consuelo (13:45.982)
Yeah.
consuelo (13:53.438)
Oh, it's for all engineers, but you definitely don't want to have a, you don't want a structural engineer who's not licensed working on anything. Uh -huh.
Ellyn Schinke (13:56.058)
Oh, I'm going to have to ask my dad about that.
Ellyn Schinke (14:01.466)
Yeah, my dad's a mechanical engineer. He was a stress engineer particularly and he worked at Boeing basically his entire career he was at Boeing and I never thought of him getting certified. I just thought about it being like any other field or serious excuse me licensed. I just thought about it being at any other field where you have the degree so therefore you start a job and you do the thing but you guys have to actually get licensed.
consuelo (14:08.446)
Wow. Wow.
consuelo (14:15.838)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (14:22.91)
Which is true. Well, you could do the work. You can never work independently without a license. So yeah, if you're going to be, yeah, no, it's a good question because nobody knows we're like the unicorns, but if you're going to do any work, you know, submit anything independently, you have to have a license. You have to have a, so you can stamp the drawings, stamp the calculations, have any kind of authority. Then you need the license, right?
Ellyn Schinke (14:30.106)
Okay, so it's the independently got it. Okay. Sorry. I'm just wrapping my brain around that
Ellyn Schinke (14:42.906)
Gotcha.
Ellyn Schinke (14:49.434)
That makes so much more sense now. Yeah.
consuelo (14:51.838)
through the, it's a long test too, the year we took it. It was a 12 hour test, one day straight. Yeah. Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (15:02.106)
My students who complain about taking the SAT and the ACT, I do some tutoring part time. I'm going to tell them, there's a 12 hour engineering licensing exam. Don't complain.
consuelo (15:05.918)
Uh -huh.
Oh, no, I think they did complain and then ultimately made it two days after we did it. So there you go. Yeah, they made it two separate days. But yeah, so I always kept authentic to myself. I always did my route. I went on my own at 25 and I was on my own when I did the did Larry Ellison's flagship headquarters. And it just gave me freedom.
Ellyn Schinke (15:22.458)
Mm -hmm. Okay.
consuelo (15:34.622)
And that freedom is what helped me find and keep and nurture my authenticity. Finding what I wanted to do in life, yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (15:40.282)
Did you ever end up in situations where you didn't follow the path that you knew was the most authentic to you?
consuelo (15:50.686)
Oh, yes, currently in that now. And it's it's not always, you know, I guess it's not always because you didn't take it, but you come into life and you start becoming integrated with so many other people and your life impacts a lot of people. And so, again, you don't always have the freedom to make the choices you want within within those beautiful relationships you hold. So.
Ellyn Schinke (15:53.786)
Oh really? Okay.
Ellyn Schinke (16:19.258)
Yeah.
consuelo (16:20.094)
Yeah, but I've always wanted to live abroad. Always. And, you know, when I had my children, then with the father not part of their life, it's like they still have that legal authority to deny you leaving the country. So there was that and all those types of decisions where you want to you want to do something that is yours.
Ellyn Schinke (16:24.826)
Ah, okay.
consuelo (16:46.75)
But I'll tell you a good story. This is a good story of when I said, no, I'm going to do it. And I'm going to take the biggest hit for doing this. My girls were like in their teenage years and they couldn't drive yet. So that was the problem. And, but they were very involved in club volleyball. And so they would have to travel all over. Perfect. So, you know how much you're traveling the country and you have to get on planes. And I had this opportunity, I was 40.
Ellyn Schinke (17:04.186)
I know that life, I played club soccer.
Ellyn Schinke (17:09.274)
Oh yeah.
consuelo (17:15.934)
43 years old, 43 years old, had this opportunity to go to Patagonia, hike the glaciers, get down into Chile, Paine, yes, Torres de Paine, all of it that I had dreamt of since I was little, little, little, and they had the National Geographic shows on TV. And I was like, oh, I was just seeing those glaciers and seeing those spheres of mountains. I'm like, I've got to go.
So I did all the work, I did all the parental, you know, schedule this, this person's gonna take you here, this person's taking you there, and I had these young women that were my friends holding down the house and taking care of the kids. I would not tell my mother because this would not be allowed. At 43 years old, I went anyway. And this is...
Ellyn Schinke (17:47.706)
Uh huh.
consuelo (18:11.614)
Internet sketchy this 2007 so internet is sketchy down at the bottom of the world The wind is was too powerful for the satellites back then so you didn't have cell phones and There's this one incident where it's like
Ellyn Schinke (18:27.258)
I mean I had a cell phone in 2007 but it was a crappy cell phone and cell service was not good everywhere.
consuelo (18:32.126)
Right? Well, try the bottom of the world. International, right? And so I check in on the kids and there's this email and it's mom.
Ellyn Schinke (18:34.874)
Yup.
consuelo (18:42.942)
I'm like, what happened? And they're like, Grammy knows. It's like, oh.
HAHAHAHA
Ellyn Schinke (18:51.898)
something wrong with your kids but oh oh
consuelo (18:55.294)
No, no, they were I mean if you'd have to have known my mom you you don't Like we are not lying to grammy you're on your own sucker So yeah, I Would not let that I could you can't throw your kids under the bus so that woman didn't see no
Ellyn Schinke (19:01.946)
worse.
Ellyn Schinke (19:11.514)
Come on now, don't throw mom under the bus!
consuelo (19:21.502)
Oh, it was bad. It was bad. She did not speak to me for six weeks. Yeah, six weeks.
Ellyn Schinke (19:27.45)
Wow, I'm going to assume that her rationale was because you left your kids. Okay.
consuelo (19:33.118)
Yes. How dare you abandon the children? Yeah. Yeah. But no, I think, I think back and in that moment, just think if that threat of somebody else saying, well, I'm not going to talk to you, well, your mother disowning you for a little bit, you know, keeps you from your authentic self. Look at that opportunity you're missing, that experience. And that was a once in a lifetime experience from, from what we were allowed to do then.
Ellyn Schinke (19:55.194)
Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (19:59.866)
Mm -hmm. That's like one of two dream trips. Yeah, 100%. Oh.
consuelo (20:03.486)
Yeah. Because there was nobody down there. I mean, nobody, only only really professional backpackers were there at that time. Not there was no tours, there was no excursions. It was really something. Yeah. So I took the hit on that one.
Ellyn Schinke (20:21.146)
It's so amazing. I also just generally enjoy so much more. I need to, I need to talk to people about places in South America and Central America who are Latina or Latinx. I need to talk to them more because how you said it, how you said the name of where you went sounds so much better than one of my American friends saying it. So, just like, God, it sounds so much juicier. Yeah.
consuelo (20:43.134)
Oh, we have so many Latinas. Yes, we have so many Latina travel people who can really set you up. Yeah, it's.
Ellyn Schinke (20:54.938)
Oh heck yeah, no, I love it. Something to know about me is I spent the year abroad in 2018. So I lived in, this is why I'm so mad that I can't remember as much Spanish as I should, I lived in Latin America for six months. I was in South America for four months, I was in, or I was in South America for five months, I was in Mexico for a month, and then we went to Europe for four months and Africa for two months. So I was just traveling with a lot of English speakers, so we did not speak nearly as much Spanish as we should have.
consuelo (21:05.726)
Yeah.
consuelo (21:17.054)
Wow.
consuelo (21:22.206)
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (21:24.442)
I got really good at ordering food. That's about it. It was. It was. It was just like the fact that your daughter's going abroad. We talked about this before we started recording guys. The fact that your daughter's going abroad, the fact that you took that jump. Yeah, you know, it's amazing. The things that we know are going to be truest to our authentic selves that we know we just need to do regardless of if it pisses people off.
consuelo (21:26.59)
Oh, yeah. Yeah, but what a great opportunity to see that part of the world.
consuelo (21:36.254)
Yeah.
consuelo (21:53.854)
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (21:53.914)
Like we will talk more about this when I am on your podcast, but something to know about me is I was getting my PhD and I dropped out of my PhD. And the very last person I told was my dad because I knew he was gonna be disappointed because my dad would literally tell people who I didn't even know and had never met before about the fact that his daughter was getting a PhD and this is where she's going and this is the research that she was doing. Like.
consuelo (21:57.598)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (22:13.917)
Mm.
Ellyn Schinke (22:19.866)
the pride just oozed from him and I felt terrible. I felt like I was shattering his dream more so than I was shattering mine. And so I didn't tell him. He was the last person I told when I dropped out of my PhD. Like literally my graduate mentor, she was informed before my dad was informed. I didn't tell him until after it was already done. And he said it, he said, I'm disappointed. Like the thing that every kid doesn't want to hear from their parent. He said,
consuelo (22:26.334)
Mmm.
consuelo (22:32.094)
Yeah.
consuelo (22:41.086)
Ahhhh
Ellyn Schinke (22:48.602)
sucked. He didn't give me the silent treatment, but he sure as heck wasn't happy. But it was it was a while before I feel like he had faith in the choice that I've made and the direction that I was going. And it was funny because it wasn't just financial because I could have very easily been like, Dad, look, I'm making more doing this like random thing outside of science, or I'm making more as a professional tutor. Now I'm making more in my business than I ever made.
consuelo (22:52.51)
Yeah.
consuelo (23:02.11)
Hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (23:15.258)
As a scientist, it wasn't just the financial pieces of it, it was like the bragging rights of it too, to say that I was Dr. Ellen, because Dr. Ellen sounds a lot cooler than Coach Ellen, and I'm not even gonna pretend like Dr. Ellen doesn't sound cooler than Coach Ellen, it sounds cool, but it was like that was, I walked that path for so long out of fear that it finally hit a point where I was just like, I can't, I can't anymore, I've just gotta make this decision for myself, because I know it's the right decision, and I -
consuelo (23:16.478)
Yeah.
consuelo (23:26.526)
Hahaha!
consuelo (23:41.854)
Right.
Ellyn Schinke (23:44.026)
I have never regretted it since it happened.
consuelo (23:47.518)
Yeah, and was it your dream to begin with? You know, were you really shattering your own dream?
Ellyn Schinke (23:50.202)
And I thought I convinced myself, yeah, I convinced myself that it was my dream. But I think I just had been, I don't think I know what my dream was. I think I'd been following the validation and what other people were telling me was the thing I should do for so long. And I was following what I was good at. Like I'm good at science, I'm good at doing research. I should just follow this path. And it's, you know, I...
consuelo (23:55.102)
Mmm.
consuelo (24:07.326)
Right.
Ellyn Schinke (24:17.658)
I'm an Enneagram 3, I'm a high achiever, I'm very externally validated to my detriment. That sometimes I don't actually know what I want.
consuelo (24:26.302)
Yes. Yeah. Well, that's true for a lot of people. When you're coming out of, you know, childhood, you are raised on a track. You're going to do this next. You're going to do it in very handheld all the way through. And then you get into your graduate college, if that's where you went and you're free in the world and everyone's like, OK, we're done with you. Bye. And you have very little resources or knowledge of what to do next. That adulting stage.
is the big unknown and you go into something that's guaranteed to help pay your bills and you can't think for yourself in that moment. You're in pure survival mode. So it takes a minute. You start getting into your 30s and you're like, okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. What is really going to make me happy? And I think that the realization also of your social impact.
Ellyn Schinke (24:55.162)
Duh.
Ellyn Schinke (25:03.77)
Yeah. Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (25:11.322)
Uh huh.
Ellyn Schinke (25:16.762)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (25:21.342)
because all that time you're in school, there's so much social opportunity all around you. But then you get, especially now with the remote workspaces, you're really isolated. You're really isolated.
Ellyn Schinke (25:34.714)
I sit here in my 500 square foot studio apartment box that I like never leave except to work out. Yeah.
consuelo (25:41.662)
Oh yeah. And then, so you realize then, oh no, I need people. I don't need people. All the little pieces come back in. It's like a reboot. Yeah, a reboot. Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (25:45.69)
Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (25:50.138)
Yeah, what people do I need? It is, it is. I genuinely, I genuinely don't think, I don't think I could have ever predicted what me and my, like the transition from my 20s into my 30s would have looked like. I had that aha of realizing that's not what I want in my late 20s. I was about 27, 28 when that happened. 2008, 2017, I was when that happened. And.
consuelo (26:11.102)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (26:17.562)
I think sometimes, there's also I think like a pressure sometimes when you're younger to feel like you have to have it figured out. I put out on social media as much as I possibly can and I tell the students that I still work with in my tutoring job, as much as I possibly can, don't let the adults in your life fool you, they don't have it figured out either. Because I think that's the like a big misconception and I think the cool part though I think about becoming an adult though.
consuelo (26:36.19)
Ha ha ha.
Ellyn Schinke (26:44.09)
and I'd be interested to hear your take on this in terms of your experience with your own family, is you start to see, in the good and the bad ways, you start to see your parents for the humans that they are, and you're able to start to look at your parents with a very human lens, and realize, like, I swear on my podcast, they've got their own shit to deal with, and they've got their own shit going on, and we stop putting them on a pedestal nearly as much.
consuelo (26:51.646)
Hehehehe
consuelo (27:00.766)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (27:07.55)
I'm sorry.
consuelo (27:12.606)
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (27:14.426)
And that's a good thing in a lot of ways. It can definitely cause some friction in relationships, but it's a good thing in a lot of ways. I remember one of the first times I had to set a boundary with my grandma. Yeah, talk about me seeing the adults in your life though, really, because she's always, she's my grandma. She like gave me cookies when I was a kid and like.
consuelo (27:28.094)
Oh.
consuelo (27:36.67)
Hahaha!
Ellyn Schinke (27:38.106)
Like we had fun vacations together and she's on this pedestal in my brain, perhaps even more so than my parents are. And I had to set a boundary with her because she kept making, because in her generation, they thought a certain way, she kept making comments about my weight and how I was putting on too much weight and I was getting fat and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm, you know, in my like firmly in my thirties at this point. And I'm just like, grandma, we're not having this conversation. This is not your call to make.
consuelo (27:50.078)
Hmm.
Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (28:04.57)
I don't want to talk about this. And then she kept talking and I was like, grandma, if you keep talking about this, I'm going to hang up the phone on you. And she's like, why would you do that? Blah, blah, blah. I kept just kept talking about it. I was like, okay, grandma, I'm hanging up the phone now. Bye. And I just hung up on her. I was just and it it was me realizing that just because it's somebody I love and somebody who I do put on a pedestal and somebody who I want to have these kind of happy butterfly feelings with, they are an imperfect human and they're going to say things that I don't like and they are going to say things that.
consuelo (28:10.398)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (28:16.318)
Wow. Wow.
Ellyn Schinke (28:34.234)
believe, that I don't value and I don't have to listen to.
consuelo (28:37.278)
Mm hmm. Yeah, especially when it's personal like that. Then there, especially you explained it already to her. You gave her the communicative effect of, you know, no, this is this is not a shared opinion. And so thank you for yours. But OK, we can stop talking about it now. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's generational stuff. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (28:46.234)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (28:50.65)
Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Yeah, yeah. How has like, generational stuff is crazy hard, but like how have you had to navigate boundaries in your life with your family as you've made some of these transitions, as you've made some of these decisions? If you've had instances where you've had to piss people off to be your most authentic self, how have you navigated the boundaries?
consuelo (29:11.486)
Hahaha.
consuelo (29:16.99)
Boundaries are really difficult again. It goes back to first -gen daughters if you're the old daughter and you're the only daughter like I am that full burden and expectation is still placed on you and I think everyone even in women in their 20s are still trying to figure out what that boundary is because culturally the family is so tight and the family culturally doesn't abide by the same mentality of
Ellyn Schinke (29:22.97)
Yeah.
consuelo (29:47.102)
as it is here in the US. And this is similar, I know. Sure, yeah. So I know this is very similar for my friends in the Asian community, where it's very family focused. You don't put your parents, parents don't go into elder facilities or nursing homes until it's absolutely necessary for their own good health.
Ellyn Schinke (29:50.266)
What's different about the mentality, just so we can articulate it to people who maybe don't know what you mean.
Ellyn Schinke (30:01.882)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (30:16.414)
You know, it gets a medical point where you don't have the expertise to, to be able to help them anymore. So in that regard, that, that burden could be like for me personally, taking care of them in their own home because they weren't going to be put in a facility. You take care of them in their own home. Some people have managed to create the, um, a different, uh, methodology of having resource, the money to have someone else help them in it. And so.
Ellyn Schinke (30:16.954)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (30:46.078)
Boundary for me, it couldn't happen in that point because all our lives we were told don't, don't, don't. Now the three boys, they didn't care. They had no part of helping, no part of taking care of the parents. They were just off to the side. I lived an hour away, they lived 10 minutes away. And so the boundary could have been, I can't, that's gonna kill me. But for me personally,
It came down to two things. One of which my husband said when I chose to take care of my father. My mother was automatic, but my father is like, oh, you got the boys. You were always with the boys. See what they'll do. But it came down to two things. One, what do I want to remember of myself in that situation? And I do have a high adrenaline rush. It is like rocket fuel. I was a single mom for 22 years raising two children.
Ellyn Schinke (31:38.234)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (31:45.214)
I can do a lot, again, could bring you to borderline burnout just to the energy expenditure. But what did I want to remember myself in that situation so that I could live joyfully, which is what I did. And I brought them both over to the other side with so much joy. But that was the second part, my husband said, because I was really burning out.
Ellyn Schinke (31:51.898)
Yeah.
consuelo (32:14.174)
when I was taking care of my father, not what...
Ellyn Schinke (32:14.554)
Is that the biggest instance of burnout you've experienced?
consuelo (32:19.934)
Um, no, the biggest mistake. Oh, the other ones. Yeah. The other one has to do with the three brothers. It all, it all leads up to burnout. Um, now, you know, he told me it's like, look, Consuelo, if you're not helping him enjoy, if this isn't your joy point, bringing you happiness, regardless of what you're doing, um, you're not helping him either.
Ellyn Schinke (32:23.226)
Okay, we'll have to get into the other one later, but yeah. I realized, I was like, we're like 30 minutes into this interview, I haven't explicitly asked you anything about burnout, my bad.
consuelo (32:49.982)
You know, if you're bringing yourself in a state of angst or anger, frustration, the yeah, resentment, what are you doing? Why are you bringing that into his world? And that really helped me reframe myself. I kept doing it, but I brought joy like, no, this is you're right. I want to bring this joy. I have the capacity to bring you this joy. But then it did hit the point where it's like, I can't physically do this anymore. I have this is killing me, Dad. I have to stop. So.
Ellyn Schinke (32:54.938)
resentment.
consuelo (33:19.326)
That boundary was very far away. I think the biggest boundary and something that I've always had in my life, I call it a filter. And it's people who I let in my life. And that helps keep the boundaries there without explicitly saying it. It's just like filtering who you really resonate with, who you feel, so that you are supported by them just by their presence and interaction in your life.
Ellyn Schinke (33:36.25)
Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (33:46.746)
Yeah, could you maybe give, and you don't have to give specifics here if you don't want to, could you give an example of somebody that you realize, now I shouldn't let into this filter?
consuelo (33:50.846)
Mm -mm.
consuelo (33:55.966)
Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (33:56.57)
I love that as a boundary, almost like a proact -
consuelo (34:00.798)
I think I saw it best, yeah, proactive boundary, before you really get into a relationship with them. I was able to see it best through the parents of the friends of my children.
Ellyn Schinke (34:15.77)
Oh, okay.
consuelo (34:17.598)
For me and myself, I could feel people. I have a sense of feeling them. I know what they're like before I even meet them. But when it came to people that I didn't necessarily want to go out and make friends with, but they're the parents in the schools. Of course, you're going to have to engage and be cordial and whatever. But I saw it when it came to how the parents interacted with their children.
Ellyn Schinke (34:20.858)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (34:46.59)
versus how we interacted, especially because we were a pretty tight trio of two girls and me. And when I saw some of the parents like screaming at their children because their socks weren't on the same, they were two different socks, I'm like, oh yeah, that's not gonna go over well here. You know, filter. Or another child came at a very little age and they were in preschool for a few seconds, she picked up.
a Barbie and went, this is last year's Barbie. And like, nope, calling mom, we're going home now. And that's when I became aware of, oh, oh, we're going to have to be very aware of who's coming into our life kind of in mass. Right. Because you have all those parents when you have children in school. And so you have a big awareness. It's like, don't feel like you have to be friends with everybody or that your children have to be friends with anybody if they don't.
Ellyn Schinke (35:29.722)
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (35:33.242)
Yeah.
consuelo (35:42.59)
really support who they are and love them for who they are. You know, not chastising them for having last year's Barbie. Oh, never forget it. It's been 30 years. I'll never forget it.
Ellyn Schinke (35:54.33)
so much because I, my dad will forgive me for saying this, I love my dad, my dad is a wonderful human but my dad does get pissed off about little things.
consuelo (36:06.622)
We love you, Dad! We love you, Dad!
Ellyn Schinke (36:09.69)
And you said that, I love you dad, you know you do this. You know you do this dad, you'll probably never hear this, but you know you do this. Yeah, and so it just kind of cracks me up. He's like a wonderful human. Actually, I should tell him this sweet, like to paint a picture of like the things that he used to do that would piss me off, but that I started to realize, you know, seeing things, that's why I think it's so important to see things through another lens. It's such a random story. But when I was playing soccer, he was like the critical dad. He was the tough.
He was the he was the one who he would come to every practice and like give me feedback on water breaks, which Drove me nuts, but I had a friend who I was played soccer with that entire time and she was friends with my cousin So she was at my cousin's wedding and I see her and her mom and they are both like, oh my god Is your dad here like excited is your dad here? And I'm just like, yeah, of course my dad's here. Like why do you why do you guys want to talk to my dad? Um And they both go. Oh my god. We love your dad
consuelo (36:46.174)
Yeah.
consuelo (37:02.526)
Thank you.
Ellyn Schinke (37:07.834)
And I had never heard a girl that I played soccer with say that they love my dad. Most of them were like, we don't like your dad. He's way too hard on you. But they were like, oh my God, we love your dad. And I was just like, wait, but why? Like I was just confused. And they're like, he was always there. That was their response. He was always there. And it made me realize this was a girl who I'd known her for like six or seven years at this point in time. And I don't think I'd ever met her dad. I knew her mom. I knew her mom well. I don't think I'd ever met her dad.
consuelo (37:19.806)
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
consuelo (37:25.726)
Oh... Hmm...
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (37:37.082)
And I realized she's seeing it through the lens of somebody who has a dad that's not around. And here's my dad, almost irritatingly showing up at everything and how much they loved that. And that was a big mindset shift for me of my dad just being this irritation in my life to, you know what, my dad is always there.
consuelo (37:41.086)
Yeah.
Yeah.
consuelo (37:55.966)
Yeah, yeah, and always trying. Yeah, always trying. Yeah, I love it.
Ellyn Schinke (37:58.233)
Random tangent, yeah, random tangent of a story. So I'll give my dad a critical comment of, dad, you didn't pick things, but I'll be like, you are always there, dad. So random side tangent. Tell us about the example of the hardest or the worst experience with burnout you've ever.
consuelo (38:06.686)
Yeah, beautiful.
consuelo (38:14.622)
Oh, OK, this one's a heavy one. This one's big. The ultimate breaking point came right after taking care. So I took care of my parents for 10 years and I was working full time for myself as an engineer. I was getting my masters at USC. I had two children in private university and I was taking care of both my parents and brought them to the other side beautifully like.
both were able to pass it home and just not being medicated. My mom actually watched the World Series in 2014 and that night saying, you know, is it still three, two? Is it still three, two? And within an hour she had passed away. So it was a beautiful non -medicated, no painkiller. They were very vibrant until the end. And I just felt like, oh, I made it, right? That feeling of,
Ellyn Schinke (39:12.922)
Okay.
consuelo (39:14.302)
You went after it. You persevered. You wanted to quit. You didn't. And you made it. And I was like, oh my God, this this is great. Like I can get on with my life. There's joy back in it. I can sleep as much as I want and only take care of myself for once in my life. I can only take care of myself. And within a year. My three brothers sued me. Because they wanted.
They wanted more than they ever gave. And it was so wicked. It was so wicked. I felt blindsided, one. And it felt like ultimately this society has a legal system that loves doing this for a living and going after people after they've done such good.
Ellyn Schinke (39:45.978)
I don't even know how to respond to that.
consuelo (40:09.726)
going after them anyway to try and tear them down. Now, Latinas, Latinas and immigrant parents, we stand strong. You know, we already have from a very young age, you've had to go through so much that you are resilient. You are tough. It's in your veins to be a fighter and just keep going after what you want in a very polite and nice way sometimes. But that like. Just.
The that ecosystem and the legal ecosystem is so ill -spirited. It's it's so intentionally toxic. Yeah, so intentionally toxic, though, because that's what they're trying to do is they're trying to break you. They're trying to get you to cave and, you know, standing strong for that long. Not in the sense that I have to be right. But I'm going to show you who I really am.
Ellyn Schinke (40:46.906)
Toxic was the word I was thinking. Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (41:08.218)
Yeah, I feel like it comes almost full circle back to authenticity. And if you have a system that is literally or a scenario or a situation that is trying to tear you down, you don't feel like you're being seen authentically. And I think that can grate on you. Absolutely. I always say there's four different types of burnout. And I think that one very much so is emotional burnout. Emotional burnout is a very nuanced. I call it the fulfillment side of burnout.
consuelo (41:11.806)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (41:20.222)
Yeah.
consuelo (41:27.422)
Right?
consuelo (41:33.502)
Thank you.
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (41:37.178)
I feel like in that sense it's hard to feel fulfilled when you don't feel like you're being seen authentically, especially when you're not being seen authentically by family and family are the people.
consuelo (41:46.27)
Right. And they're coming at you with a force. And this is three years worth, four years. It's, you know, it's four years of it. Right. Well, that's what they're hoping. And, you know, was it is it worth it? Was it worth it? Yeah, I think so. I think so, because, you know, I just didn't want them doing that to anybody else. Like, what a what a shame. And and so I think that when it talks, you talk about burnout in that situation,
Ellyn Schinke (41:53.498)
I can't imagine dealing with that for four years.
Ellyn Schinke (42:03.514)
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (42:09.146)
Yeah.
consuelo (42:16.478)
You know, emotionally, you always have to reflect back in on yourself, just like maybe you did when you were with your PhD. Why am I doing this? What does this mean to me? Am I just being stubborn? Do I have something to say, you know, and, and, you know, to claim, yeah, you know, stubborn is not a bad thing. Women, it is not a bad thing. Oh, well, I'm a Scorpio. So.
Ellyn Schinke (42:32.954)
Don't call me out for being stubborn now.
Ellyn Schinke (42:39.194)
Taurus.
Ellyn Schinke (42:44.762)
I'm not an astro, I'm not an astrology human, but I am a Taurus through and through. I literally described myself the other day of I'm a persistent SOV. Like if I want something and actually what my mom says to me about being in business, she's like, it actually makes a lot of sense because you're just so persistent, you're going to figure it out. I'm just like, thanks mom. It's the one time I've heard about my stubbornness being used in a good context. Yeah.
consuelo (42:45.246)
We go hand in hand. Oh, there you go. Mm -hmm.
consuelo (42:56.51)
Yeah.
consuelo (43:01.246)
has.
consuelo (43:07.87)
Right?
It gets you a long way. It gets you a long way. And I think even corporate world for women, let alone women of color. Yeah, they're not there. They're most likely going to try and not change the environment to make, you know, you thrive, but rather to see if you can tolerate that environment that they're going to have for it. You know, and we don't have to that. The blessing is you've seen so many women do so much better for themselves by leaving that kind of.
Ellyn Schinke (43:16.474)
100%.
Ellyn Schinke (43:32.218)
Yeah.
consuelo (43:39.422)
toxic environment. No one should stay in a toxic environment unless there's something that they know they're doing for themselves. But not out of fear, not out of stubbornness, not out of money, not out of anything. But yeah, the emotional aspect of writing who you are, putting it in writing that you're a bad person. It's like, oh.
Ellyn Schinke (43:39.77)
Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (43:47.962)
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (43:53.498)
Mm -hmm. Yeah.
consuelo (44:06.654)
That's a low that I had kept myself free from for a very long time, my entire life, right? So, yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (44:11.194)
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. And you actually did something a second ago that I don't think you realized as you were telling this story is it kind of was like a full circle moment where you came back to this notion of I have to decide if it's worth it for me. And that's almost like how you weigh decisions that you're making or boundaries that you're setting. Or even if you weigh is this experience that is burning me out. Am I going to get through it is by coming back to this.
consuelo (44:18.686)
Yes. Yes.
Ellyn Schinke (44:42.906)
question of, is it gonna be worth it? Is setting that boundary gonna be worth what it's gonna cost me to set that boundary? Yes or no? Is making this career decision gonna be worth what it's gonna cost me to make this career decision? Yes or no? Is fighting this legal battle gonna be worth it? Gonna be worth what it's gonna cost me? Yes or no? And it's amazing how, and I think this is what I wanna really emphasize for everybody who's listening right now. It is amazing how it's not a complicated question to ask. It's a complicated question to answer.
consuelo (44:57.15)
Mm -hmm.
Mm -hmm.
Ellyn Schinke (45:12.218)
I'm not gonna sugarcoat that, but it's such a simple question to ask, like beautifully simple. And I feel like sometimes that's what we need to bring burnout and stress management back to is these beautifully simple practices. It doesn't have to be complicated. And I think that's what you, whether you intended to or not, you illustrated beautifully by coming back to that same question.
consuelo (45:13.63)
Yeah.
Yeah.
consuelo (45:32.222)
Mm -hmm.
I call it my six scenarios, six scenarios in all my decision making and done it for so long. It's it's really innate now. It's like breathing where you really click through in your mind. Worst case scenario, best case scenario. Everything in between doesn't really matter because the worst case scenario is is it worth it? You know, because it's going to be harsh. Will it be something that you could say, oh, well, and walk away from?
or will it devastate you? And then best case scenario. And that's pretty much your decision. But of course, like you were saying earlier, that decision only works. Is this worth it or not? On your true self, on your authentic self. You really have to know who you are in order to make that decision because subliminally, your mind will creep in there and start making decisions for you that aren't for your wellbeing, that aren't for your whole person.
Ellyn Schinke (46:32.538)
Yeah.
consuelo (46:33.63)
You really have to shut that mind off and really run from intuition. I'm a big intuitive. I get a lot. I have a lot of premonitions. I'm a big intuitive. And you can feel where you should be going, but only if you quiet, quiet that as she points to her head. Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (46:38.202)
Yeah. Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (46:48.73)
Yeah, that was actually going to be my like, yeah, I will fully admit I used to be somebody who says I have zero intuition, but I now know that's not true. I just hadn't been listening to it. But I feel like we could keep talking for another 45 minutes, but I want to ask you one final question because it ties to what you just said. What practices things do you recommend to people, whether it is to help them find their true authentic self, whether it is practices for better tapping into their intuition? Do you have?
consuelo (46:58.494)
Mm -hmm.
consuelo (47:02.558)
Sure.
Ellyn Schinke (47:18.138)
things that you recommend people do or things that you did to help you find yourself. It sounds like it came very naturally to you, but in situations where maybe you're kind of getting off track, what do you do to recenter yourself and bring yourself back to your true, authentic self?
consuelo (47:33.054)
I think if I believe that we are all born hardwired and if you can reflect back to what you did so freely as a child and not to say that everyone's childhood was carefree, but the things that really brought you joy as a child will most likely still be bringing you joy and having that innocence of freedom and not to act in a childish way, but if it was.
you know, if it was being in the outdoors, if it was creating something, if it was artistic, that is where you're finding your joy. And that's at least something to always tap into, because that's getting into your creative side. That's getting into your soul and your heart. And it's leaving the mind behind. And so I also find it as a great way to get through your angst or anxiety where you do things that don't have an outcome. Just wander.
Don't say I'm going to walk five miles and then prevent yourself from walking five miles because it's too far and I don't want to do it. I'm tired. Don't forget it. Just wander. Walk out the door. Start drawing on a piece of paper with no expectation of what it's going to be. And that will start shutting your mind down, quieting your mind so that you can start feeling yourself and your joy and your happiness just in something that's very open ended with no outcome or expectation of outcome that can be judged.
And that's where you start finding yourself again.
Ellyn Schinke (49:04.954)
listening to you say that I'm like, yep, I suck at that. But maybe that's a sign that I need to do more of it. I paint, I go on, I go I have like a loop that I walk. But I usually I'm an Enneagram three, I'm very outcome focused, I see the destination, and that's where I'm going. And I know that's a habit that I need to break. I know that I need to just take the journey for what the journey is and pay less attention to the outcome. But it is hard for me. It is not how I am wired to operate.
consuelo (49:07.422)
Hit.
consuelo (49:15.709)
Uh huh.
No.
Yeah.
Ellyn Schinke (49:34.65)
So if anybody else is listening to that thinking the same thing, I hear you, I am you. But just because it's hard doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. Yeah.
consuelo (49:42.078)
Try it. Yeah, try it. See what got you on the track you're on to begin with. You know, maybe it was something in childhood. Maybe it was someone saying, you can't, you can't and can't, and you're out to prove you could, you could, you could. But that was only in response to somebody else. That wasn't from your own self, your own inner self, your soul.
Ellyn Schinke (50:00.538)
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I could answer where I think it came from, but shoot, that'll open a Pandora's box that I don't think we have time for. So maybe we cover it on your podcast instead.
consuelo (50:05.406)
Yes, let's get into it on mine. Yes.
Ellyn Schinke (50:12.186)
Absolutely. So speaking of your podcast, where can people find you if they are resonating, if they really, really feel what you have experienced, if they are, you know, a first generation daughter as well, and they want to be in your world and learn more from you? Where?
consuelo (50:31.71)
Absolutely. Thank you for asking. Yes. So it's an Encuentras your voice podcast. We're on all your favorite streaming platforms, your Spotify, your Apple podcast, YouTube, and it's Encuentras your voice on Instagram as well. So that's where you'll see a lot of our clips and sound bites and what's coming up next. And oh boy, this week's was great because this week, Karin Luna Ostasevsky.
the first and only woman in 500 years to have ever developed her own brand of Scotch whiskey and brought it to market. And she's Latina. Well, take a listen. Yes.
Ellyn Schinke (51:08.794)
cool and I like whiskey so into it.
And I will put all of the links down below for everybody to get in touch with you and to connect with you. Thank you so, so much for sharing your story, for being here with us today. I am so excited to be on your podcast. And yeah, I'm just really grateful for you. Thank you so much.
consuelo (51:28.67)
Thank you all. And this was really fun. Yeah, we're going to have a great time again. We're blessed. Love it. Thank you for asking.
Ellyn Schinke (51:32.058)
We are.